Local Manager Throws Hail Mary of Money and is Called for Unsportsmanlike Conduct
Fantasy football has sprouted in popularity faster then that flesh eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors. There exist a smorgasbord of websites offering their services to wannabe football managers. With so many different leagues out there, different websites have to draw people in by offering prizes to the top scorers. Many fantasy football leagues require an initial payment to just join the league, while there are a few free ones still available. One such site that offers a free league is Sportingnews.com. They offer a free salary cap league in which players receive a set amount of money and must purchase 7 different players. The site offers just 1 free trade a week which will accumulate if not used. They offer prizes to top overall scores at the end of the season. This we believe enticed one fellow manager to do the unthinkable. Buy trades with embezzeled money from slush funds.
Steve Stouch, owner of the Dr. Mario Master was having the season of a lifetime. After a few weeks Mr. Stouch stood well ahead of his peers and was posed to win one of those very prizes mentioned earlier. But sometimes your Sunday picnic with ham sandwiches and taco salad gets rained on. Dark clouds were forming over Steve’s once sunny, ham sandwhichy day. His comfortable lead now but a fraction of the size. We at the Newsly Times first received word about this scandal from a source who would like to keep his identity secret, so we will refer to him as Whale Vagina. Whale Vagina started snooping around Mr. Stouch’s trade records after noticing lots of recent movement. Almost too much movement. Pencil Dick traced back all the trades from week 1 and discovered Mr. Stouch had used 10 trades with 1 remained totaling 11. Only 9 should have been available.
The Newsly Times did their own calculation of the numbers with help from counting experts Professer Good, a certified math expert in the state of Pennsylvania and Master Matthew Guza, a practicing minimalist yogi to verify Whale Vagina’s accusation. They both endorsed Whale Vagina’s numbers. We went out into the community to get a reaction from the people of Mr. Stouch and his embezzlement. Local pretzel vendor Andrew Guza had this to say when he heard the news “I can't believe Steve won't buy his wife sneakers, but he will buy trades? Thats just gay”. Much of the communities reactions were similar to Mr. Guza’s with some extreme people wanting to put Mr. Stouch in the stocks and throw rotten cantaloupes at him. With such local outrage not even the Newsly Times can anticipate the reaction from readers. But we are not a 20 dollar naked fortune teller. We are reporters. And we do a damn good job of it.
-Newsly Times
Steve Stouch, owner of the Dr. Mario Master was having the season of a lifetime. After a few weeks Mr. Stouch stood well ahead of his peers and was posed to win one of those very prizes mentioned earlier. But sometimes your Sunday picnic with ham sandwiches and taco salad gets rained on. Dark clouds were forming over Steve’s once sunny, ham sandwhichy day. His comfortable lead now but a fraction of the size. We at the Newsly Times first received word about this scandal from a source who would like to keep his identity secret, so we will refer to him as Whale Vagina. Whale Vagina started snooping around Mr. Stouch’s trade records after noticing lots of recent movement. Almost too much movement. Pencil Dick traced back all the trades from week 1 and discovered Mr. Stouch had used 10 trades with 1 remained totaling 11. Only 9 should have been available.
The Newsly Times did their own calculation of the numbers with help from counting experts Professer Good, a certified math expert in the state of Pennsylvania and Master Matthew Guza, a practicing minimalist yogi to verify Whale Vagina’s accusation. They both endorsed Whale Vagina’s numbers. We went out into the community to get a reaction from the people of Mr. Stouch and his embezzlement. Local pretzel vendor Andrew Guza had this to say when he heard the news “I can't believe Steve won't buy his wife sneakers, but he will buy trades? Thats just gay”. Much of the communities reactions were similar to Mr. Guza’s with some extreme people wanting to put Mr. Stouch in the stocks and throw rotten cantaloupes at him. With such local outrage not even the Newsly Times can anticipate the reaction from readers. But we are not a 20 dollar naked fortune teller. We are reporters. And we do a damn good job of it.
-Newsly Times
posted by Folk Master Flex @ 11/08/2005 08:02:00 PM
10 Comments:
At 11/08/2005 08:11:00 PM,
Goodie said…
Wow first this kid posts the MSG monster mash song, and now he comes up with this.... fucking brilliant. Isn't this the second year steve has come up with "extra" trades. Last year there was that "glitch" that allowed him 2 extra trades. I wonder what the excuse will be this year?
At 11/08/2005 08:27:00 PM,
aeternus said…
Hear Ye, Hear Ye,
Local FX team members rally to support a one-year sportingnews fantasy football ban imposed on Mr. Stouch with an immediate forfeit of the current team, Dr. Mario Master.
At 11/09/2005 11:42:00 AM,
Folk Master Flex said…
I agree with with Matt. Steve is Keyshawned for the rest of the season and banned next year.
At 11/10/2005 08:27:00 AM,
Folk Master Flex said…
Well Jason seems to have a little comprehension problem in understanding what Steve's motives were. Let me simplify it so you can easily understand.
Steve only bought trades later in the season when he was not in contention for any prize money. So the only reason he bought trades was to stay number 1 in our league. Also despite what he says there has always been an unwritten rule that you do not buy trades.
Finally I will officially be taking over the responsibilities of setting up the Sportingnews league next year. Sadly the great name of our league will change to something less offensive but I will set it up at least a week prior to the first game to allow adequate preparation time.
At 11/10/2005 09:36:00 AM,
The Violator said…
I RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At 11/10/2005 12:24:00 PM,
aeternus said…
If you would have told us beforehand you were buying trades it wouldve been more acceptable. Im all for winning prizes. Right now i wish i had another trade to get rid of thomas jones.
Anyway if you buy trades for the league, don't buy kelly one she needs to be punched in the ovary for not updating her team.
Folky you should set the league up a month or so before football starts. My team changes a thousand times in that time. Another thing there is probably a better free salary cap football league out there. Although i will still do a sportingnews team cause i love how they keep your stats from year to year.
At 11/10/2005 06:45:00 PM,
Goodie said…
yea smallworld is getting to be pretty lame, i remember when we used to pick a TE, kicker and possibly another WR. We need to find somewhere better. I heard ESPN has a decent one. For now i am going to go study the Packers 5th and 6th string RB's because i have no idea who they are
At 11/10/2005 10:39:00 PM,
Goodie said…
Pete Rose banned from baseball.... Steve Stouch banned from fantasy football? We may need to vote on the one year suspension. Might be a close vote. Maybe over turkeyday
At 11/10/2005 11:04:00 PM,
aeternus said…
do i hear mock trial, ala 11th grade gayness, oh man it would be so bad, i would doctor up a photo of steve in cahoots with such greats as benedict arnold, barry 'roids' bonds, kid from kid N play ilk, and steve guttenberg.
At 11/11/2005 12:50:00 PM,
Folk Master Flex said…
Kelly only reason your not in last is because some dope joined our league halfway through the season. I would say he has a good chance of catching up to you but they have Charlie Batch in at QB.
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